4 Exercises Men Can Do to Take Back Their Sexuality After Abuse
February 12, 2015
1.) Share your story with a trusted peer
Some of you just read this title and thought “there is absolutely no way I am talking to another man about emotions”. Those of you who say this are precisely the ones who will benefit the most from this exercise. In our society we have not only taught our men to shut down emotion but we’ve also told them not to talk about their emotions, especially to other men. If any of you have ever experienced a time when you openly expressed your emotions to another man my guess is that you remember the conversation like it was yesterday. Reality is the stuff you deal with is the stuff other men deal with (this is true for women as well). The difference is, women are allowed to speak to each other about this stuff. It’s not only socially accepted, it’s expected. Set aside time with a male friend and ask them if you can share something personal. Preface the conversation by acknowledging that it’s probably an unusual conversation. Let them know you aren’t expecting advice or anything, but that listening will be enough. Let them know that if they would like to share too, you would love to listen back. You'd be surprised how many clients of mine have been bottling stuff up for years thinking that their story is unique and that they'll be judged if they tell someone but as soon as they do, that person shares a similar story.
2.) Practice receiving
You may not see the connection of this exercise to trauma but I guarantee it helps. Often trauma causes a disconnection with yourself and others, especially sexual trauma where trust is broken. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you become anti-social or something but instead what often happens is a “do it on my own” or “I can only trust myself” mentality develops. Actively practicing allowing others to contribute to you will create balance and connect you more deeply to your own desires. My recommendation is a 30-day challenge where everyday you ask at least one person for a favor, for help, or to do something for you. Actively keep track of the requests you’ve made and the benefits you are experiencing in your life.
3.) Give up the stimulants and the “end goal” during masturbation
Some of you are immediately tightening up at the mention of masturbation. I find that most people, regardless of how sexually progressive they think themselves to be, find masturbation in some way shameful. In my opinion our societal weirdness around masturbation is one of the biggest jokes out there. We are given these amazing bodies with the capacity to feel absolutely incredible and yet we are taught from a young age not to touch ourselves, that it is somehow dirty or wrong. Another way of looking at it is we have been taught to deny ourselves pleasure and self-love. The capacity that most of us actually experience our own bodies is miniscule compared to what is possible to feel.
Therefore, my recommendation is to become a master at loving yourself (preferably daily doses). If you rely on pornography or stimulants of any kind, or find that you are stuck in some sort of habitual behavior, change things up. Also try giving up ejaculation as an end goal; take the pressure off your body, and learn to love all phases of your anatomy’s arousal. Focus on the sensation in your body, explore new areas, new types of touch, et cetera. If you happen to be a man that ejaculates quickly see if you can take a short break and go again. Some men that think they are early ejaculators are in fact multi-orgasmic. It’s your body so take yourself for a spin and see what you can learn. Learning how to drive your own body is the first step toward being “driven” the way you want.
4.) Stop asking your partner to cum on queue
As I addressed in my post Behind the Iron Facade and into the Male Heart, many men suffer trauma from being unable to please their partner in bed. Since each woman is wired differently, instead of trying to give you tips on how to please her, I thought it would be more effective to tell you something to avoid doing that most men screw up. If you’ve made this error in the past, please don’t worry at all, its incredibly common behavior that most women don’t speak up about.
The female orgasm is like an elusive snow leopard--if it’s chased, most often it will run away. Just like your body is different from other men, women vary too. Some women find it almost impossible to orgasm and others are quick and multi-orgasmic. Almost every woman I have talked to has expressed frustration by the pressure put on them to “perform” and wished their partners would understand that it all feels good. The less pressure you put on your lady the easier it can be; it’s about the journey not the destination. So….it’s WONDERFUL that you want to please your partner, but asking her to cum on queue only works in porn. Chances are if you’ve ever actually experienced a girl “cumming on queue” she was faking it. The less you can focus on climax and more you can focus on the connection, the subtle sensations, and her body language the closer you will get to actually achieving your desired outcome. Not pressuring her to cum will save you a ton of time, a ton of frustration for yourself and your partner, and will more likely lead to the earth shattering orgasm you've both been waiting for.